Monday, August 27, 2007

Week 132

1.2lb gain

To be honest, I'm surprised it isn't worse given the number of wee extras I've had this past week. It has been so bloody hard.

The fight for me over weight loss is a fight with depression. When I'm low it is much harder to resist the cravings. When I'm up it's much easier to stay on track.

As mentioned in the post on my main site "Light at the end of the tunnel or just spots before my eyes?" I'm just starting a low dosage of anti-depressants to see me through to an appointment that's finally been made to see a specialist, 3 months from now.

My hope is that if the ADs work and I get less of the low mood swings I should find it easier to bat away the cravings.

Starting Weight: 19st 9lb - 275lbs
Current Weight: 12st 7.8lb - 175.8lbs
Body fat: 23.4%
Total Weight Loss: 99.2lbs

Monday, August 20, 2007

Week 131

1lb loss!

I'll take that, and cling on tightly in case my body decides to change it's mind.

A bit of a surprise to be honest. I've given in to a small handful of extras - not as bad as last week though, so I expected to be about even.

The fight with the depression is excruciating at times, quite a lot of the time in fact. I see the doctor on Friday and find out whether he's heard back from the specialist he wants me to see.

Starting Weight: 19st 9lb - 275lbs
Current Weight: 12st 6.6lb - 174.6lbs
Body fat: 22.7%
Total Weight Loss: 100.4lbs

Monday, August 13, 2007

Week 130

2.4lb gain.

Sigh... I thought last week seemed a bit too good to be true.

Mind you, along with more homemade scones from the kids, the real killer was an entire tub of Ben & Jerry's Choc-Chip Cookie Dough ice cream on Friday evening. Haven't done that for a long time.

It followed a visit to the doctor who's finally decided to refer me to a specialist in Edinburgh about my CFS/B12/whatteverthehellitis. Unfortunately, at this point I have no idea about waiting times, and it's another 2 weeks until I see my GP again.

I've decided I need to shift into "Survival mode". Up until now I've been in "basically normal but with less energy mode" which clearly isn't working. The bouts of depression have become crippling and the doctor doesn't want to offer anything like anti-depressants or counselling until I've seen the specialist.

The only medication I have is food so when faced with intense emotional pain or a mouthful of youreallyshouldnteatthat, it's even more difficult to stay on track.

The battle goes on, but I wouldn't be surprised if I start slipping a bit until progress starts being made on my whatteverthehellitis.

Starting Weight: 19st 9lb - 275lbs
Current Weight: 12st 7.6lb - 175.6lbs
Body fat: 23.3%
Total Weight Loss: 99.4lbs

Wednesday, August 08, 2007

New weapon for an old adversary

Here's another one imported from The Ramblings of the Bearded One that seemed highly relevant to this blog. Once again it sparked a debate in the comments, which are worth reading in the original here: Although be warned, one of the attitudes expressed in particular might have you wanting to bang your head against a brick wall and despair at the lack of understanding of the world by some people.


My relationship with food is a complex one, but then it is for a lot of people, not just the anorexics, the bulimics and the grossly obese.

After 2½ years of fights and battles, and the overall loss of over a 100lbs, you might have thought that this relationship would be simpler and easier to understand. And in some ways it is. At least these days I know what I’m up against.

Having said that, knowing that you have to go out and fight a dragon the size of a building that has teeth as long as your arms and breathes fire, while you have little more than a toothpick and a jar of barbeque sauce to help you, doesn’t always make it easier to find the will to go out and face it every day.

But even as I develop new tricks, techniques and strategies to deal with it, the adversary also evolves in unexpected ways.

Something I’ve become aware of over the past few months has been the onset of a new emotional trick up the sleeve of the beast.

There are times when having a tasty treat in front of me, one that I can allow myself to have, fills me with an overwhelming sense of sadness.

At first glance, this might seem a little strange. There, under my nose is a warm, fresh from the oven, home-baked scone, made by my son who has his mother’s touch for creating mouth-watering, indulgent food.

I’ve been good for the rest of the week so eating it is hardly going to tip the scales the wrong way, and it’s going to make Rogan feel good to know he’s created something his father will enjoy. So yes, it’s OK to eat this warm buttery scone, and even have a spoon of Maggie’s homemade raspberry jam on it.

All I have to do is enjoy it.

Instead, I want to cry.


Because I know it will only be a few moments and then it will be gone. And I won’t be able to have a 2nd, a 3rd, a sneaky 4th and then talk Maggie into making us a batch of rock-buns for later.

Before I’ve even placed a piece in my mouth, I’m mourning the passing of the scone.

I’m mourning the fact that I cannot just have the scone, enjoy it, and then stop, feeling satisfied.

I am mourning the fact that for the rest of my life, every time I have a tasty sweet, buttery or salty treat to eat, I will have to fight to stop continuing to eat and eat and eat until I am stuffed, feeling physically sick and disgusted with myself for having given into the binge.

Part of me so desperately wants to be able to eat whatever I want, whenever I want, and damn the consequences.

I want to scream that it’s not fair! Other people get to eat what they want! Other people get to stop halfway through a bag of Maltesers and feel that they’ve had enough! Other people don’t have to worry that if they have one, they won’t stop until they have physically damaged themselves!

It’s like going to a massive funfair with big dippers, giant Ferris wheels and walls of death, and being told you’re only allowed to go on the kiddie’s ladybird ride because the others will be damaging to your health. The kiddie’s ride isn’t going to satisfy you; all it’s going to do is remind you of what you’re missing.

And that is the terrible weapon the beast has developed: I rarely feel much sense of achievement for the weight I have lost. Instead I am continually overwhelmed with a sense of sadness about what I dare not allow myself to have, no matter how tasty, wonderful and enjoyable.

Because the more I enjoy it, the more dangerous it is for me.

Monday, August 06, 2007

Week 129

2.8lb loss!

That amount of loss seems unlikely but I'm not complaining. It puts me back to within a pound of my all time lowest.

I've been on track all week apart from a couple of wavery moments when my kids did some home baking. My son is developing his mother's touch and his scones were divine.

Circumstances seem to be moving forward, or at least are no longer dominating the waking hours, in the areas I can't blog about. This is certainly reflected in the fact that the food battles have been less intense this week.

For the moment, at least, I'm able to breathe more easily

Starting Weight: 19st 9lb - 275lbs
Current Weight: 12st 5.2lb - 173.2lbs
Body fat: 23.5%
Total Weight Loss: 101.8lbs